genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
