The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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