so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
