well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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