he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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