upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize