I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize