I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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