im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
