I wannas sexs uuuuu
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
