3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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