Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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