Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
