ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize