last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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