dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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