got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
