I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I could make wine with my vomit
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
