im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
