do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
