My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
