I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
