i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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