I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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