i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
