I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
