so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
