hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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