she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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