That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
