is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
