just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
