her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
