38 yer olds are good kisserssss
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
