I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We were destined to go to rehab together
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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