he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I fill condoms, not promises.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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