Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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