There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
