When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize