i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
