I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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