She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you had me at cake vodka
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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