Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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