dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
