I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
