Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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