Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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