Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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