Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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