Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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