Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize