Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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