Got a toothbrush?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
