Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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