i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The air was thick with penises
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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