I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
