upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
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