Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize