it's too hot outside to masturbate.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
