your parents love me but you hate me
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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