I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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