i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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